How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist?… And Live Through It!
You are finally divorced from your Narcissistic Spouse! Now you are embarking on your new family situation with your Narcissist Ex: Co- Parenting! You are probably wondering how you became the lucky person who gets to experience this mind-altering situation along with other people you love the most: your children!
Let’s review what is Narcissistic Personality Disorder or ‘NPD”? It is a mental disorder where the person has a very transparent and superficial inflated self-esteem and neurotic needs for admiration and special treatment from other people. Typical arrogant behavior and lack of empathy for other people causes many problems in all emotional areas of their lives and relationships. Narcissists are usually very aggressive with impulsive tendencies, dangerous lifestyles involving cockiness, selfishness, manipulation and power motives. These individuals may appear as very exciting personalities at first meeting, but at the end of the day are unfulfilling and destructive. This false sense of entitlement produces a feeling that causes them to punish those who do not provide their required respect, admiration, or attention.
One of the biggest personal disappointments in Co-Parenting with your Narcissistic Ex is that often you are as unsuccessful as you were in marriage with the ex-spouse.
Children cannot and do not offer the continuous positive feedback narcissist parents crave and the parent will often react in one of two ways. W. Keith Campbell, an expert on narcissism and professor of psychology at The University of Georgia, offers that “some lose interest in their children entirely and look for other sources of validation”. “Others view their children as a reflection of themselves and become hyper-involved and controlling. Disconnection is the key, even an overly narcissistic parent is emotionally detached and lacks warmth.”
Eminent psychologist E. Mavis Hetherington In her landmark book, For Better or For Worse, highlights the results of her study of 1,400 families and the importance of examining the type of conflict children experience. She notes high conflict that involves the child is physically violence, threatening or abusive conduct and conflict in which the child feels caught in the middle, causing the most adverse consequences for children. These effects include anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
Some Strategies when dealing with Co-Parenting with your Narcissist Ex
- Limit your contact with your Ex. Contact should only involve information or issues concerning your children. Email or Text as much as possible. When you have the child, make the rule, “Unless an emergency, no contact will be made verbally until the child goes with the other parent. Try not to talk directly to the other parent when the children are present.
- Don’t Respond immediately or to everything (Hold that trigger response when children are present!) Also commit to a 24-hour turn around on all communications to and from your Ex!
- Make sure that you have a structured parenting plan in place that is very specific concerning schedules of visitation, holidays and vacations to help to minimize conflict. Also, if necessary, secure the help of professional counselors, lawyers, or therapists who can help the children and yourself to cope with the Narcissist Parent.
- Control your behavior and your triggers! Your ex-spouse knows you very well and knows how to press a trigger to make you look like the “Crazy “parent. This situation was continuous during the marriage and has continued in your Co-Parenting period. You are the adult and your children are watching your behavior concerning how they react to their other parent.
- Be the PARENTAL ROLE MODEL for your children. Show your children through your actions that you only have their best interest as your top priority. Control your behavior toward your narcissist ex and never bad mouth the other parent in front of the children.
- Do not tolerate abusive/demeaning behavior from your Ex to either you or your children. You must be the “adult” and protect your children. If your children are afraid to go visit this parent or after a visit, the kids come back with bruises, breaks or a more serious medical problem, get professional help to stop this type of abuse. If you truly feel that this narcissist parent is abusing the child, do not continue to send the child back to this parent. Contact an attorney who can help you to keep your child safe.
- Last by not least do not care what other people think! This is your life and you are the only parent who can control and protect your child against the Narcissist Parent. Life is hard and people are not perfect. When your children grow up and are responsible parents, this will be your award for being there to care and protect them from parental harm.
The Nacol Law Firm P.C.
Defining Real Estate Documents (Property Deeds, Deeds of Trust, and Real Estate Lien Note (Promissory Note)
A deed is a legal instrument that transfers a property right in real estate. The most common types of property deeds are as follows:
- Quitclaim Deed
- Warranty Deed
-Special Warranty Deed – with or without retained Vendor’s Lien
-General Warranty Deed - Deed Without Warranty
Other real estate documents discussed herein include:
- Deed of Trust
- Real Estate Lien Note (Promissory Note)
- Deed of Trust to Secure Assumption
Quitclaim Deed
Quitclaim deed conveys any title, interest, or claim of the grantor in the real property, but it does not profess that the title is valid nor does it contain any warranty or covenants of title. Thus, a quitclaim deed does not establish title in the person holding the deed, but merely passes whatever interest the grantor has in the property.” Diversified, Inc. v. Hall, 23 S.W.3d 403 (Tex. App.–Houston [1st Dist.] 2000, pet. denied).
There seems to be some misconception that a Quitclaim Deed is a simple and inexpensive means of selling land or solving real estate problems. People are shocked to learn that Quitclaim Deeds are sometimes worthless in Texas.
Does this mean that a Quitclaim Deed should never be used? No.
Quitclaim Deeds can be useful in clearing title in some limited circumstances, such as when there is a question about whether a particular heir might have a claim to the property of an estate, or whether a person may have acquired title by adverse possession (“squatter’s rights”). However, in most cases it is preferred to use another kind of deed.
Warranty Deeds
The Warranty Deed is a legal document where the seller, or grantor, guarantees to the buyer, or grantee, that the real property being purchased is free from any mortgages, liens, or other encumbrances. If it is a general warranty deed, the guarantee extends back to the property’s origin. In contrast, if it is a special warranty deed, the seller only guarantees that there are no mortgages, liens, or other encumbrances while he or she has owned the property.
A warranty deed thus provides a method of transferring ownership or title in real estate that offers protection to the buyer. This is the case because the seller warrants, or guarantees, that he or she legally owns the property. An individual purchasing property or a bank lending money for the seller to purchase the property typically does not want to discover that the property has tax or mechanical liens or outstanding mortgages after the transaction is complete. If a seller provides a warranty deed and then the buyer later discovers an unpaid lien or other financial encumbrance, the buyer can seek legal action against the seller. Because sellers could die, have limited financial resources, or declare bankruptcy, real estate transactions involving warranty deeds often are accompanied by title searches and title insurance.
A Special Warranty Deed covenants to the buyer that the seller has not personally done anything to adversely affect the title being conveyed since inception of Seller’s title to the date of conveyance.
A General Warranty Deed covenants with the buyer that not only has the seller not personally done anything to adversely affect the title being conveyed, but neither has anyone else who has ever owned the property ostensibly as far back as the original Spanish land grants.
Deed Without Warranty
Another form of deed, which is neither a Quitclaim Deed nor a Warranty Deed, but rather something in between is a Deed Without Warranty. Like the Warranty Deed, a Deed Without Warranty uses the “grant, sell and convey” language to establish title in the buyer. Like a Quitclaim Deed, though, a Deed Without Warranty makes no warranties or covenants of title, so the seller has no liability for title defects. A Deed Without Warranty is rarely appropriate in a sale transaction; however, because it offers much greater protection to the buyer without any additional risk to the seller it should be considered as an alternative whenever a Quitclaim Deed might otherwise be used.
Other Real Estate Documents
Deed of Trust
A Deed of Trust is a deed wherein legal title in real property is transferred to a trustee, which holds the deed as security for a loan (debt) between a borrower and lender, e.g. home mortgage documents.
Transactions involving trust deeds are normally structured so that the lender gives the borrower the money to buy the property, the seller executes a Special Warranty Deed conveying the property to the Purchasor/Borrower, and the borrower immediately executes a trust deed conveying the property to the trustee to be held in trust for the lender. Trust deeds differ from mortgages in that trust deeds always involve at least three parties, where the third party holds the legal title, while in a mortgage, the mortgagor gives legal title directly to the mortgagee. In either case, equitable title remains with the borrower.
Real Estate Lien Note (Promissory Note)
A Promissory Note is a written promise to repay a loan or debt under specific terms – usually at a stated time, through a specified series of payments, or upon demand.
A promissory note will identify the parties, the amount of the obligation, some form of recitation of the consideration for the obligation (that is, what the debtor received in return for signing the note) and will usually include the terms of repayment, the interest rate which will apply, if any. It may also include an “acceleration clause” which will make the entire amount of the note due if a payment is missed.
Deed of Trust to Secure Assumption
A Deed of Trust to Secure Assumption is a second security trust document (or third or fourth, depending on how many prior liens are already in place at the time of a divorce or other assumption conveyance), which gives a party the right to take a home back if an ex-spouse or other party does not timely pay the mortgage. In this way, the Deed of Trust to Secure Assumption secures the ex’s obligation to assume the unpaid debt on the home
Divorce And Your Business: Who Gets What
In today’s unpredictable economy there has been a continuing growth of small businesses and a substantial decrease of existing established businesses in Texas. In the regrettable instance of “Divorce” how may the “Family Business” be divided between a dissolving couple to reach a fair and reasonable result for both parties?
In such a situation, an experienced Family Law Attorney with the aid of economic experts becomes critical in establishing a fair and equitable price on the business, consulting the client on their rights relative to the business, helping with negotiations for a business entity to be sold, transferred, or appraised, and making sure the client’s rights are protected in the transaction.
The most important fact to establish is a credible determination of the true fair market value of a business and how the business or the business assets are to be divided between the spouses in the divorce.
The dividable interest is determined by the fair market value of the business. This value is the price a willing buyer would pay and a willing seller would give in a purchase with both buyer and seller having reasonable knowledge of the relevant facts of the business and neither being under pressure to buy or sell the business.
During a Divorce, the concept of a credible hypothetical buyer and seller may be determative and very complicated. Going through a divorce is difficult enough, but fairly determining the true value of the business in the process can be complicated and sometimes expensive. There are always two different ideas in every divorce and the family business will bring out the some very serious opinions of just what is the “fair market value”! Ideas may range from too high in today’s economy to too low base on emotional attachments, complicated further by feelings as to possible other family members who own or claim parts of the business. The value placed on proposed purchases that are not part of an arm’s length transaction may not be relevant to the correct fair market value.
To help determine the fair market value and complete the transaction fairly for both parties the family law attorney must be able to obtain and review all business and financial records, financial statements and tax returns, and any other pertinent information for the preceding 5-7 years. Often an independent business appraiser or CPA will be retained to help in determining a credible and correct valuation of the business that a Judge or Jury will respect.
Invalid Pre-Nuptial Agreement: Attacking Pre-Nuptial Agreements
Modern High Asset marriages commonly involve Pre-Nuptial agreements to preserve and protect each spouses‘ property. If one spouse takes advantage of the other and the Pre-Nuptial is unconscionable, it may be attacked as invalid as a matter of law. There are a few considerations you should make sure of before determining if a Pre-Nuptial is valid:
- Did you sign the Pre-Nuptial voluntarily?
OR
- Were you given fair disclosure of the property or obligations of the other spouse?
- Did you waive the right of disclosure in writing?
- Did you have adequate knowledge of the property or financial obligations of the other spouse?
If you answered “NO” to either (1) or all of (2)-(4) then you may be in a position to contest the Pre-Nuptial agreement. It is difficult to show that a Pre-Nuptial agreement is unconscionable. The Courts have made it clear that “unfairness” which is short of unconscionability does not make a Pre-Nuptial unenforceable. Determining whether a Pre-Nuptial agreement is valid or not is in large measure a question for the judge and not for the jury. This means that a judge will make the determination if your spouse has forced you to sign a Pre-Nuptial in an unconscionable way.
For high asset divorces, Pre-Nuptial agreements are more common. If you are a spouse that was pushed into signing a Pre-Nuptial without fair disclosure or without adequate knowledge of the property or obligations enforced in the agreement you may have a claim. Depending on the circumstances, invalidating a Pre-Nuptial agreement may be time consuming and costly, so an experienced attorney must be consulted.
Assess your situation at the time you signed your Pre-Nuptial. Did your spouse muscle you into signing the Pre-Nuptial, thus possibly invalidating the Pre-Nuptial? Once you have answered these questions find an experienced attorney that is familiar with contesting or setting aside unconscionable or unenforceable Pre-Nuptial Agreements.
Julian Nacol, Attorney
Nacol Law Firm P.C.
Texas Summer Visitation Schedules- When Can You Get Your Kids
This question causes many divorced or single parents much stress concerning meaningful contact with their children. “What do I need to do to legally secure my specific summer visitation periods with my kids?”.
Here is a general breakdown from the Texas family code on summer visitation:
Family code: 153.312: Notification of Summer Visitation: Parents who reside 100 miles or less apart.
A possessory conservator gives the managing conservator written notice by April 1 of each year specifying an extended period or periods of summer possession, the possessory conservator shall have possession of the child for 30 days beginning not earlier than the day after the child’s school is dismissed for the summer vacation and ending not later than seven days before school resumes at the end of the summer vacation, to be exercised in not more than two separate periods of at least seven consecutive days each, with each period of possession beginning and ending at 6 p.m. on each applicable day; or does not give the managing conservator written notice by April 1 of each year specifying an extended period or periods of summer possession, the possessory conservator shall have possession of the child for 30 consecutive days beginning at 6 p.m. on July 1 and ending at 6 p.m. on July 31;
If the managing conservator gives the possessory conservator written notice by April 15 of each year, the managing conservator shall have possession of the child on any one weekend beginning Friday at 6 p.m. and ending at 6 p.m. on the following Sunday during one period of possession by the possessory conservator under Subdivision (2), provided that the managing conservator picks up the child from the possessory conservator and returns the child to that same place;
and
If the managing conservator gives the possessory conservator written notice by April 15 of each year or gives the possessory conservator 14 days’ written notice on or after April 16 of each year, the managing conservator may designate one weekend beginning not earlier than the day after the child’s school is dismissed for the summer vacation and ending not later than seven days before school resumes at the end of the summer vacation, during which an otherwise scheduled weekend period of possession by the possessory conservator will not take place, provided that the weekend designated does not interfere with the possessory conservator’s period or periods of extended summer possession or with Father’s Day if the possessory conservator is the father of the child.
Divorce, paternity or other orders setting out access/possession rights should specifically set out this information. Such orders are usually custom and specific on times and dates for summer and other holiday visitations.
In today’s world, a statutory preset structured visitation schedule does not always work in a blended family environment. Many fathers are now either sole managing conservator or co-managing conservators with the mother. The current standard visitation schedule is used more as a basic presumed schedule to which extended time may be added for cause good for more equal shared time with the children.
With an enlightened public awareness and presumption under law that children need quality time with both parents, many parents are looking for modifications to visitation schedules that agrees with their lifestyles to share their children equally and fairly.
NACOL LAW FIRM P.C.
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Attorney Mark A. Nacol is board certified in Civil Trial Law by the Texas Board of Legal Specialization
