Divorce Really Sucks (a view from the trenches), Part I

April 12th, 2012

Psychological Impact Of Marital Dissolution On The Nuclear Family or

How does divorce make you feel?


Make no mistake, there are always two divorces. There is legal divorce, and there is emotional divorce. Although inextricably intertwined, they are distinct and separate with their own life and death, each fueling and affecting the other.


Aside from the loss of a spouse, child or parent to death, it has been said that divorce is the most egregious, emotionally dehabilitating experience a man or woman may have in a lifetime. The grief to each spouse, regardless of fault or equities, is very real, personal, deep and frequently damaging.


Aside from dispute resolution and collaborative law possibilities, which generally may apply to some people, the judicial adversary system is perhaps the most misplaced, illogical and painful method one might devise to dissolve a bond as culturally significant and historically necessary as the marital compact. Regrettably, it is what we have today to resolve marital conflicts.


The legal marriage is formed either by statute or common law. Statutorily one may secure their priest, Rabbi, or other authorized person to join the parties in union by purchasing a marriage license, taking a blood test and going through the formal procedures and ceremony. Additionally, you may, under statute, marry by filing forms with the state signifying the union. In Texas, flowing from the Mexican/Spanish influence on our statutes and the large distances between cities, the time and effort necessary to find a preacher in days gone by, two parties may marry by common law agreement. Such a marriage is binding upon agreement of the parties to be married (irrevocable present agreement), cohabitating together, and holding themselves out to the public as man and wife ratifying the relationship.


Regardless of which of the three procedures one takes to become married, once accomplished it is binding and can only be dissolved by divorce. Divorce means lawyers, the adversary system, the frequent unnecessary involvement of the children in the procedure, and significant grief.


It has been shown to be very constructive, useful, and therapeutic to entertain marriage counseling and/or divorce counseling prior to, during, and following a divorce procedure. There is no question that securing the services of a quality counselor, properly qualified to assist a husband and wife going through divorce, yields long-term benefits and faster recovery time, though the counseling often leads to serious emotional disruption and further pain before recognizing therapeutic results.


Once married, the divorce rate is over 50%. 95% of the population is married by age 55 versus 72% in 1970. The general life expectancy of a marriage is approximately 7 years, 8 months for the first marriage, and 7 years, 4 months for the second marriage.

The relative costs and expense in dissolving the marital relationship is directly proportional to the acceptance and the decision to divorce emotionally which can occur days, weeks, months, or years prior to the time you meet your attorney to commence the divorce proceeding, or never at all.


The Nacol Law Firm PC
Law office of Attorney Mark Nacol
Serving clients in the Dallas – Fort Worth Metroplex area for over 30 years
Tel: 972-690-3333

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Women at Risk: The Hazards of a Bad Relationship

March 8th, 2012

Abusive men, and women (physical or mental), are all about control and frequently evolve from abusive homes themselves. Police desire to help abused women, but often even after a complaint has been filed, women will not pursue the charges out of fear. Feeling helpless, they are often terrified, brain-washed and really believe that they have nowhere to go. It is not uncommon for an abuser to be very charismatic and after beating his victim return home the following day with flowers showing great affection to his victim. Unfortunately, the victim tends to believe the transparent words “I’ll never do it again!”

One of the most frustrating things for family and friends outside a battering relationship is trying to understand why the abused person doesn’t just leave. It is important to remember that extreme emotional abuse is always present in domestic violence situations. Violence takes place in many forms, is unpredictable and can happen all of the time or just once in a while. Violence is criminal including physical and sexual assault. It is paramount to remember that physical violence, even among family members, is wrong and against the law.

Some of the reasons partners stay in domestic violence situations are:

1. Economic dependence.
2. Fear of greater physical danger or danger for children.
3. Fear of being hunted down and suffering worse beatings.
4. Survival. Fear that the abuser will kill.
5. Fear of emotional damage to children.
6. Fear of losing custody of children.
7. Lack of alternative housing.
8. Lack of job skills.
9. Social isolation resulting in lack of support from family and friends.
10. Social isolation resulting in lack of information about her alternatives and support systems.
11. Lack of understanding from family and friends, police, ministers.
12. Negative response from community, police, courts, social workers.
13. Fear of involvement in the court process.
14. Fear of the unknown, chronic anxiety, and/or depression.
15. Acceptable violence. Living with constant abuse numbs the victim so that they are unable to recognize that they are involved in a set pattern.
16. Ties to the community. The children would have to leave their school, and family would have to leave friends and neighbors.
17. Ties to home and belongings.
18. Family pressure.
19. Denial.
20. Loyalty.
21. Love. Often an abuser is quite loveable and loyal when he is not being abusive.
22. Shame and humiliation. “I don’t want anyone else to know.”
23. Guilt. They believe the abuse is caused by some inadequacy of their own.
24. Demolished self-esteem.
25. Lack of emotional support.

The following is a bill of rights for women in abusive relationships:

1. I have the right to ask for what I want.
2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.
3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
4. I have the right to change my mind.
5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or it violates my values.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
9. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings or problems.
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
13. I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid.”
14. I have the right to say “I don’t know.”
15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
20. I have the right to make friends.
21. I have the right to change and grow.
22. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
23. I have the right to be happy.

Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused or neglected. Even if the children are not physically harmed, they are likely to have serious emotional and behavioral problems and scars.

Abusers try to control their victim’s lives. When abusers feel a loss of control – like when the abused person leaves them – the abuse may get worse. If you are in an abusive situation, take special precautions when you leave. Develop a safety plan.

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Step-parent Conflict: Put the Kids First

January 12th, 2012

Thirty seven percent of families in the United States are blended families. Sixty percent of second marriages end in divorce. A biological parent has his hands full, but as most step-parents will tell you, their job is even more complicated.

Following a divorce, it is not uncommon for a new step-parent to become the target of unprovoked spite or anger. In many cases, the previous-spouse harbors unfounded fears that their child will look to a new step-parent as a mother or father replacement figure. This can engender resentment to what may already be an uncomfortable situation between parties. Regretfully, these issues often escalate very quickly. Such resentments place the children squarely in the middle of a bitter fight between the people they love the most and are not healthy for anyone involved. The pain of conflicting loyalties to each parent and a child’s feeling of being “caught in the middle” of such disputes exacts an enormous emotional toll on a child. When a parent is in a rage, it is not uncommon for a child to withdraw. The child’s behavior towards the non-primary parent may abruptly change. This change in behavior may have more to do with keeping the primary parent happy than it does with how they really feel about the non-primary parent or step-parent. It is essential that you make it clear to your child that you love them and will always be there for them, regardless of the emotional or less than rosy current circumstances.

It is crucial to a child’s self-esteem and emotional growth that parents avoid putting children in the middle of such disputes. This can be incredibly difficult, however, when a selfish or manipulative parent does not think twice about wrongfully placing his or her child in the middle of conflict. Children are very perceptive and as they grow older they will ultimately realize when a parent has lied to them and used them for their own emotional or financial gain. Though they may temporarily identify with the aggressors, in time they will deeply resent the parent who has manipulated them.

Regardless of the circumstances, it is critical that biological parents avoid arguments or conflicts in the presence of the children. Such conduct is conducive to parental alienation goals of the misguided previous spouse. If the child sees that you maintain a calm and collected demeanor, it gives them reason to pause and feel safe.

If a previous spouse is making statements to the child regarding issues that should only be discussed between adults, tell the child that such discussions are inappropriate and you will take them up with the other parent at another time.

It is ok to tell your child “I am sorry,” if they are upset, even if you are not the parent upsetting them. This validates that they are hurting and relieves any false guilt they may have over things that are being said and done when you are not present. It is sometimes helpful to use everyday situations to explain conflict to your child. As an example, when dealing with conflict explain that “brothers and sisters fight, but they still love each other. Families have to work through conflict in order to stay together. I would not leave you if you made a mistake, I would not want you to leave me.” Such statements reinforces that reasonable conflict is ok and assures the child that you will remain a constant force in their life regardless of the situation.

If you feel that the conflict has escalated to a point of becoming emotionally abusive and/or destructive to the child, consult an attorney. It may be in the best interest of the child that he or she be removed from the primary parent and placed with the non-primary parent so that he or she is allowed to love all parental figures, parents and step-parents alike, unconditionally.

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