Family Conflicts and the High Conflict Spouse

April 19th, 2011

Recently, we have encountered new “Conflict Laden Participants in Divorce” like Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson, Alex Baldwin, and their Spouses who have shown us how not to get divorced!

Divorce Courts are full of people like this and they are called “High Conflict People” (HCP’s). Are you glad you are not married to one of these people or are you? HCP’s seem very caring and sincere and it may take months or years before a legal professional can identify this personality disorder.  HCPs may cause enormous emotional pain and excessive financial costs to their spouse and children before this disorder is brought to light.

Bill Eddy, legal specialist of the High Conflict Institute, has given a list of

The High Conflict Personality Pattern of HCP Personalities

  1. Rigid and uncompromising, repeating failed strategies
  2. Unable to heal or accept a loss
  3. Negative emotions dominate their thinking
  4. Won’t  reflect on their own behavior
  5. Can’t empathize with others
  6. Preoccupied with blaming others
  7. Won’t accept any responsibility for problems or solutions

HCP’s stay unproductively connected to people through conflict and will continue to create conflict to maintain any sort of relationship, good or bad.  Since HCP’s undermine all relationships, they constantly repeat their same patterns and usually end up divorcing repeated times.  20-30% of all couples getting divorces have at least one HCP spouse.

According to the High Conflict Institute, HCPS are driven by four primary fees:

  1. Fear of being ignored
  2. Fear of being belittled or publicity exposure
  3. Fear of being abandoned
  4. Fear of being dominated, includes fear of losing control over you, the other spouse, their money/assets, or themselves

What can the spouse of an HCP do to help bring the family conflict or divorce to completion?

  1. Tell your attorney what your bottom line is and stay with your decision.
  2. Maximize any leverage you have and stay on the course.
  3. Choose your battles carefully.
  4. Everything must be in writing.
  5. Work on keeping total & consistent emotional detachment from the HCP.

Just remember the HCP feels that since you are no longer together, and since you know too much about him/her, you must be discredited so that no one will think that they are the problem!

You will need to learn some pracetical skills on communication and response to your HCP and also when & how to let your attorney deal with this situation, how to enforce your guidelines, and hopefully, your thoughtful and reserved conduct will result in the best possible outcome.

My Children Are My Main Priority: Effective Co-Parenting

February 11th, 2011

Co-parenting with an ex-spouse or partner gives children stability and fosters similar rules, discipline and rewards between households.  It promotes a child’s ability to more effectively and peacefully solve problems and establishes a life pattern children can carry into the future.

Effective co-parenting means that your own emotions – anger, resentment or hurt – must take back seat to the needs of your children.  Setting aside these feelings may be the hardest obstacle to overcome after a divorce.  It is important that you remember, co-parenting is not about your feelings, or those of your ex-spouse, but rather about your children’s future happiness and stability. 

The following are useful tips to assist you with co-parenting in the future.

  1. Do not talk negatively, or allow others to talk negatively, about the other parent, their family and friends or their home in hearing range of the child.
  2. Do not question the children about the other parent or the activities of the other parent regarding their personal lives. In simple terms, do not use the child to spy on the other parent.
  3. Do not argue or have heated discussions with the other parent when the children are present or during an exchange.
  4. Do not make promises to the children to try and win them over at the expense of the other parent.
  5. Communicate with the other parent and make similar rules in reference to discipline, bedtime routines, sleeping arrangements, and schedules. Appropriate discipline should be exercised by mutually agreed of both parents.
  6. At all times, the decision made by the parents should be for the child’s psychological, spiritual, and physical well-being and safety.
  7. Visitation arrangements should be made and confirmed beforehand between the parents without involving the child in order to avoid any false hopes, disappointments or resentments toward the other parent.
  8. Notify the other parent in a timely manner of the need to deviate from the order, including cancelling visits, rescheduling appointments, and promptness.
  9. Do not schedule activities for the child during the other parent’s period of possession without the other parent’s consent. However, both parents should work together to allow the child to be involved in extracurricular activities.
  10. Inform the other parent of any scholastic, medical, psychiatric, or extracurricular activity or appointments of the child.
  11. Keep the other parent informed at all times of your address and telephone number. If you are out of town with the child, provide the other parent the address and phone number where your children may be reached in case of an emergency.
  12. Refer to the other parent as the child’s mother or father in conversation, rather than using the parents first or last name.
  13. Do not bring the child into adult issues and adult conversations about custody, the court, or about the other party.
  14. Do not ask the child where they want to live.
  15. Do not attempt to alienate the other parent from the child’s life.
  16. Do not allow stepparents or others to negatively alter or modify your relationship with the other parent.
  17. Do not use phrases that draw the children into your issues or make them feel guilty about time spent with their other parent.  For example, rather than saying, “I miss you,” say “I Love You.”

As you begin to co-parent, you and your ex are bound, on occasion, to disagree.  It isn’t necessary to meet in person—speaking over the phone or exchanging emails is fine for the majority of conversations. The goal is conflict-free communication, so see which type of contact works best for you.  Keep the conversations kid-based.

Remember, respect can go a long way, keep talking, don’t sweat the small stuff, and be willing to compromise.

Same-Sex Marriages in Texas

January 11th, 2011

No “I Do’s” for Same Sex Marriages in Texas.

Before you get those bath towels monogrammed: Mr. and Mr. or Mrs. and Mrs., if you live in the state of Texas, there are few things you should consider.

The conservative state of Texas opposes same-sex marriages or civil unions. Same-sex marriages are contrary to the state’s public policy and are considered void.  If the nuptials are void, a couple may not enjoy normal legal spousal rights, enforceability, protection or acknowledgements.

Rewind a bit and start with what is considered “same-sex” in the state of Texas.  It is only natural for one to think of same-sex as two individuals who were born under the same gender classification. Two males are not permitted to marry one another nor may two women marry one another, although it is not so clear-cut in the Lone Star state.  

The ambiguities commence when you first seek to obtain a marriage license.  To receive a Texas marriage license you must submit a form of identification.  This is where the process gets complex.  There are several types of identification you can offer; a couple of examples are a copy your birth certificate or your driver’s license (in state or out of state).  If either or both of these forms of sex/gender identification matches with your fiancé’s sex/gender, reconsider sending out those wedding invitations.

According to the current list of forms of identification, there are many couples whose marriage license application would appear complete and valid, but who in fact cannot lawfully marry.  Earlier this year in El Paso, Texas, two people who appeared to be women, with the same genital organs applied for a marriage license.  By Texas standards, ‘you are what you are born’; the two individuals did not deem it problematic or expect controversy since one of them was born a male.  To be clear and safe from any procedural violations as to how to deal with the situation, El Paso County officials sought guidance from Texas Attorney General, Greg Abbott.  Abbott declined to opine due to a pending case litigating a similar issue.  The case Attorney General Abbott was referring to was the case in Wharton County where the validity of a widow’s marriage to a fallen firefighter is being contested as she was born a man and two males cannot legally marry in the state of Texas.  The widow had undergone Reassignment Surgery (RAS) and is living as a female. For many, because the widow was born a man, the Wharton County case has nothing to do with the situation in El Paso. In El Paso, the couple were born of the opposite sex according to their birth certificates (which is supposed to the determining factor), whereas, in Wharton County both were born male. Attorney, Chad Ellis, states that there is nothing in the law that mentions anything about allowing someone to legally change their gender.  Alternatively, nothing is mentioned about disallowing a person to legally change their gender. 

On September 1, 2010, the Court of Appeals for the Fifth District of Texas overturned a 2009 ruling in the Dallas District Court.  The Dallas court ruled it had jurisdiction over a same-sex divorce and that the marriage ban violates the Equal Protection Clause of the US Constitution.  The Texas Court of Appeals ruled that the state ban on same-sex marriage does not violate the US Constitution and rationalizes it’s favoring of opposite-sex couples because of their natural ability to procreate.   The court found that a person’s sexual orientation does not affect his or her ability to contribute to society, but it will determine whether or not that person will enter a relationship that is naturally open to procreation; preserving the state’s interest in “fostering relationships that will serve children best” and its legitimate interest in child rearing. 

In 2009, the U.S. Census reported a total 581,300 same-sex partnered households while only 17% of them included children whether biological, adopted, or step-child. An article in the Journal of American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) stated that children growing up in same-sex households have been described as being more tolerant of diversity and more nurturing to younger children than those raised in opposite-sex households.

Despite the state’s ban, some Texas cities are being recognized for what may seem contrary to its stance. According to the 2006 U.S. Census data, San Antonio, Texas had the highest number of gay couples raising children in the nation; Houston ranked number 4 and the Arlington and Fort Worth area as number 5.

Will Texas lift the ban on same-sex marriages and civil unions?  Will it boil down to Texas defining same-sex as to what gender is marked on their original birth certificate and/or acknowledge transgender persons to be recognized as they view themselves?  Or, will Texas lift its state ban against same-sex marriage altogether?  For the time being, whether you are homosexual, transgendered, or a transgender person who appears to be gay, things get pretty fuzzy in the Alamo State when trying to legalize a union or seek to have a union legally acknowledged and/or enforced.

Serving clients throughout Texas, including Collin, Dallas, Denton, Ellis, Grayson, Kaufman, Rockwall and Tarrant counties and the communities of Addison, Allen, Arlington, Carrollton, Dallas, Fort Worth, Frisco, Garland, Grapevine, Highland Park, McKinney, Mesquite, Plano, Richardson, Rowlett and University Park, Murphy,Wylie, Lewisville, Flower Mound, Irving, along with surrounding DFW areas.